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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Essay Correction 1 (Directors of large companies)


Studying Essay Corrections
Studying the process of correcting an essay is a very effective way to improve your English very fast.  You will also understand the mistakes you should avoid and the improvements you need to make in your essay.  If you can study these corrections very closely, it will definitely speed up your way to 7.

Question

Directors of large companies usually receive a very high salary, while normal workers receive much less.  Some people say it is unfair. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Introduction:

Original:
Most of the companies, of late, provide high wages to high ranking staff. Whereas, the subordinates supposed to satisfy with less salary.  Even though, their contributions and commitments to their work are unavoidable, they are depreciated by higher authorities. It is unjustifiable in the view of their efforts.

Corrected:
Most large companies, of late, pay very high wages to the top executives, whereas, the subordinate staff (‘lower level employees’ is more appropriate vocabulary.) are expected to be satisfied with much less salary.  Even though their contributions to the company and commitment to their work are valuable to the functioning of the organisation, they are often not given proper consideration by the higher authorities, in terms of paying them more comparable wages.  It is unjustifiable considering their efforts.

Correction Analysis:

Most of the companies – ‘most companies’ is enough.  Since the question mentions ‘large companies’, it is better to use ‘most large companies’.

Provide salaries – a better collocation is ‘pay salaries or offer salaries’

Subordinates – this word often denotes a relationship of a higher lever employee with a lower level employee and therefore not very appropriate.  I haven’t corrected this word but added ‘subordinate staff’, which is better.  Words like ‘ordinary employees’ is more appropriate.

Supposed to satisfy: passive voice should be used, ‘is supposed to’, and it is better to use ‘expected to’ instead of ‘supposed to’

Unavoidable: inevitable is a more appropriate academic word.

Depreciated: inappropriate vocabulary.

A simple introduction (opposite view)
In most large businesses, the people at the top management, such as CEOs, Chairmen and executive heads are paid exorbitant salaries, whereas ordinary employees receive much lower pay.  This practice, in my opinion, is acceptable and the reasons for my view, is discussed in this essay.

First Body Paragraph

Original
To commence with, the most of the higher authority officers of an organization are treated by good emuneration according to their qualification, capabilities and experience. Similarly the normal employees are dserved for adequate payment  inspite of their less  qualifications because their roles are more pivotal than other higher positioned employees in an institution. To exemplify, in an organization, the persons those who hold higher positions are like the brain of a body . In the same way the underlings are like the heart of a body. So mutal collaboration of both categories are essential for the success  of a company. Here body will function with the help of heart, if brain damage but body will not function if heart cease. Likely a company can work in the absence of director or manger but it would not work if  subordinates idle their work for a while. Hence it is not abidable to  treat normal workers with less salary.

corrected
To commence, most top executives of an organization are rewarded with exceptional remuneration on the basis of their qualification, capabilities and experience.  Likewise, normal employees also deserve a more comparable pay because their roles are equally important or complementary, just like the directors of a company. To exemplify, the people who hold executive positions in an organization are like the brain of a body. In the same way, their subordinates, especially workers at the bottom level, can be considered as various organs that have different functions, and if their roles are not performed, the activities of the body will be affected.  (This example is not very appropriate.  Please write another example.) Therefore, mutual collaboration of both the categories of employees is essential for the success of a company.   Hence the huge disparity of wages between lower level employees and people at the top level management is not reasonable.

Correction Analysis:

To commence with: ‘to commence’ is correct

the higher authority officers: this is not a common usage.  A more appropriate expression would be, ‘the top executive personnel/officers of the organisation’.  See the synonyms for ‘directors’.  This phrase be corrected this way, ‘officers at the highest authority’.
treated by good remuneration:’ rewarded with exceptional remuneration’.  ‘Treated’ is a wrong collocation here.  Good remuneration is not equal to ‘very high salary’

according to: ‘on the basis of’ is more appropriate

This paragraph is not corrected.
 Moreover, each employee has unique role in a working field.  In other words one cannot replace another's job. So considering  junior workers  as other higher positioned staff without much variation is a responsibility of a company administration. For instance, in a hospital institution, a medical director cannot do the job of  a nurse vice her absence due to the lack of experience and knowledge in nursing.. So each institution try to understand the importance of each employee's role in their working field and also try to give appropriate remuneration.  (for the directors of big companies, you cannot give the example of a doctor and a nurse.  Please rewrite this paragraph because both the points are related.  Otherwise, only one point is required.  You can write ‘on the one hand’ and ‘on the other hand’.)

Opposite view

Original
In contrast, the directors and managers have more qualifications and capabilities than their subordinates. Hence they deserved for lucrative payment but the normal workers do not unvalue by their standard of job. In other word, they should treat without much reduction by considering their importance.

corrected
In contrast, there are people who believe that directors and top managers have greater qualifications and capabilities than their subordinates and hence they deserve lucrative pay.  Nonetheless, this does not qualify ordinary workers for an inferior remuneration, as their contribution to the organisation need to be taken seriously. In other words, the huge difference in the salaries of both categories is totally unjustified.

Conclusion

original
To recaptulate, eventhough the ordinary staff of a company do not do more enterprises, they are not supposed to consider by less reward. They have right to receive  deserved paycheck without much deduction.

corrected
In short, although the ordinary employees of a company may not have same qualifications and responsibilities of directors of a company, the large wage difference that exist in big companies is unacceptable.
(Please correct every word of the correction and the improvisation, so that you improve your writing.)

key words, synonyms and similar words

Directors: People in the top management, CEOs, Chairmen, Presidents and Vice-presidents, top executives etc.

Large companies: huge business organizations, giant corporations, multi/trans/international business organizations/firms/establishments

Very high salary: exorbitant remuneration, top-end salaries, enormous financial incentives and benefits.

Normal workers: ordinary staff, lower level employees,

much less: lower wages, ordinary salaries, huge disparity in remuneration

Unfair: unreasonable, unjustifiable, unacceptable.


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Wednesday, February 12, 2014